Ok, so i just posted that last letter and then started re-reading some of my older posts, and i have to apologize for writing the saddest one-year-old post ever!! i'm so sorry baby!
so attempt #2: let's see...you turned freakin' ONE! you's a BIG GIRL WALKIN' too!!
we had a joint birthday with Christine. the cake smash was epic! best cake smash anyone has ever witnessed. i'm positive we could win big on America's Funniest Home Videos!! a short video is on Facebook, so you might have to reference multiple social media sites when reading these one day...
in other news, did i mention you are walking!! this happened in between Thanksgiving and Christmas, but by your birthday there was no more crawling. i love it!! although now you just follow me around crying for me to hold you, haha! i do, and i will until you get too big.
to say im obsessed with you is an absolute understatement! im really jealous of your eyebrows. you've got some great arches.
literally right now you are in my arms nursing while i type this sentence one-handed. i was out on the couch, but you woke up (its midnight) and i decided to move back to the bed. im wide awake and now im regretting drinking the RedBull i found in Joanie's fridge at 5 PM. yikes, it could be a long night!!
i just checked my notes on my phone where i jot down little things to remember when i write to you here and i realized i haven't been keeping up with it!
Ok, I might have to cut this short! I have so many updates that I want to write about since the last "10 months" post, but Aunt Meme (Mary) is texting me and she is currently around the world in Cambodia!!! I will get better about writing to you again!
Love you baby!
Good night - Momma
Friday, January 29, 2016
ONE
Mamie,
it's been a little over a week since you've turned one. you are growing up so fast! i love watching you become a big girl. the other day i told you to stop acting like a baby and grow up (i was only kind of kidding). you do this whiny act when you dont get your way; it sounds like a super forced cry, and then two seconds later you're over whatever made you upset and on to the next thing. Aunt B called you a wild-woman the other day; that kind of scared the shit out of me. you are sweet when you want to be, and a whiny b.r.a.t the other half of the time...pretty much, you're becoming me. Dada and i certainly have created a monster.
let's see, i havent been good about writing to you lately. life's busy, and we are moving fast (you make us move fast)!! i am enjoying you a lot more. that sounds horrible to say, and i dont mean it in a bad way, but darn, months 4 through 9/10 were difficult for me. i have learned so much about myself over this past year. you have definitely made me a better person. i pray daily to God for patience. i've had to let my anxiety go over keeping the house spic & span (spelling?). i think that's why those months were hard for me, because i was learning to let [certain] things go.
right now you are a sleep on our bed. i'm beginning to think i'm going to have the harder time moving you to your own bed. i love snuggling you. we are still nursing a couple times a night. sometimes i will deny you the boob and you sit up in bed whining and doing the sign for milk; so i cave and let you nurse. you are nursing a lot less, so i'm just going to let it play out; i've read most babies wean themselves, which would be a lot less stressful on both of us.
we've got a pretty good nightly routine down. we get home, play a little while i pick up and start dinner; you eat around 6:30ish while watching TV (i know i shouldn't start habits like this, but it's what is working for us)...i learned you will eat a lot more if you focus on something other than me. you can pretty much eat everything Dada and I eat, i just cut it into tiny pieces. for the longest time i was scared to feed you "real" food because you would always choke, but i think i was giving you too big of bites. anyway, after dinner i take you straight to the bath. sometimes we play, sometimes it's a quick rinse and get out, but i've learned that bath-time is a big part to the routine and you go to sleep better and faster after a warm bath. after p.j.s we might play a little more depending on the time, but 7:30 is time to pick out some books, climb in bed, read, and lights out. it was this part of bed-time that used to stress me out, because i knew i had chores to finish and dishes to clean, not to mention if i still hadnt eaten (or fed Dada) yet; but these past couple months i've cut myself (and you) some slack. you are not going to be my baby forever and i began to realize i needed to cherish our moments together. so some nights you might roll around trying to get tired, asking for more milk, wanting to look out the window at the moon, and we do just that. God forbid a chore on my list goes un-checked; that moment where i cant take it anymore because it's the umpteenth time you've sat up in bed while im trying to get you to sleep, and you lean over and plant a big wet kiss on my mouth, and then crash back down and you're out - that is what makes my job the best in the entire world - that is what i live for - and that is what makes me fall deeper in love with you; it's over-coming the hard, trying moments that make me realize the amazing gift i have. that gift is you, baby. you are the best part of every day, and i know Dada would agree with me.
so here is the sad part, because sometimes sadness is inevitable. i pray daily to God. i pray for lots of different things, i pray because i'm thankful, sad, mad, happy, you name it, i've prayed for/about it...
i brought you into this world because i was selfish and wanted you; and i'm so happy and thankful God entrusted me to be your mother. but i'm not going to lie when i think of all the horrible things that i have subjected you to. this world is a scary, shit-show of a place and there are people crazier than me out there. i am certain that you will hear about these types of people; you will witness their horrific acts. i pray that you never see these things first-hand.
for 9+ months i had "total" control over you. i was the one keeping you safe, and then it was time to bring you into this world. i wept the day i left the hospital because i was scared to take you out into the world, but i did want to share you with all the people i loved, so that made it easier. raising you this past year has been stressful; i have daily anxiety for your safety. i know that it will only increase the more i have to loosen my grip on your independence. one day i will not be able to have authority over you and i will have to let you go, and i know part of me will be happy. happy that i've raised you well enough (hopefully ;)) to let you be on your own, but know that my heart will be weeping, because you will always be my little baby.
i hate writing about this in my letter to you, but i've experienced a life-shaping event. one of mommy's oldest and dearest family friends passed away tragically in a car accident this past weekend. she was not wearing her seat belt and the injuries sustained took her life. she was an amazing person who helped change a lot of peoples' lives through the dogs she trained and her infectious personality. this was one of mommy's best friends' big sisters. she was an organ donor and ended up saving five other people's lives. i've done a lot of crying this past week; i hate having to watch some of my oldest friends go through this tragedy. it's absolutely heart-breaking and i pray our family never has to experience this type of pain. i haven't wanted to cry in front of you. i break down at the most random times. for awhile it seemed like a bad dream. she has already gone to be with God, but tomorrow her family will lay her body to rest. it will be a hard day for a lot of people. i know over time i will begin to feel "normal," but anytime i think of Kaye and Leigh, i lose it because i cannot imagine losing my sister. and anytime i think about how their mom might feel, i literally lose my breath and my heart feels like it might stop. that is a feeling i pray i will never fully understand.
Mamie, i love you more than you will ever know. i promise to always keep you safe and have your best interest at heart. you are the very best thing that has ever happened to Dada and i. i promise to not over-exaggerate over the little things in life, because quite honestly, life is too damn short. i love you sweetheart and have had the best year of my life so far. thank you for making it happen and being a part of it. i love you more than words can describe. i love you so much it hurts! i love being your mom and watching the little, sassy lady you are becoming. i am going to end this with two Bible verses i have seen over the past week that have helped guide me through this difficult time. i love you baby.
it's been a little over a week since you've turned one. you are growing up so fast! i love watching you become a big girl. the other day i told you to stop acting like a baby and grow up (i was only kind of kidding). you do this whiny act when you dont get your way; it sounds like a super forced cry, and then two seconds later you're over whatever made you upset and on to the next thing. Aunt B called you a wild-woman the other day; that kind of scared the shit out of me. you are sweet when you want to be, and a whiny b.r.a.t the other half of the time...pretty much, you're becoming me. Dada and i certainly have created a monster.
let's see, i havent been good about writing to you lately. life's busy, and we are moving fast (you make us move fast)!! i am enjoying you a lot more. that sounds horrible to say, and i dont mean it in a bad way, but darn, months 4 through 9/10 were difficult for me. i have learned so much about myself over this past year. you have definitely made me a better person. i pray daily to God for patience. i've had to let my anxiety go over keeping the house spic & span (spelling?). i think that's why those months were hard for me, because i was learning to let [certain] things go.
right now you are a sleep on our bed. i'm beginning to think i'm going to have the harder time moving you to your own bed. i love snuggling you. we are still nursing a couple times a night. sometimes i will deny you the boob and you sit up in bed whining and doing the sign for milk; so i cave and let you nurse. you are nursing a lot less, so i'm just going to let it play out; i've read most babies wean themselves, which would be a lot less stressful on both of us.
we've got a pretty good nightly routine down. we get home, play a little while i pick up and start dinner; you eat around 6:30ish while watching TV (i know i shouldn't start habits like this, but it's what is working for us)...i learned you will eat a lot more if you focus on something other than me. you can pretty much eat everything Dada and I eat, i just cut it into tiny pieces. for the longest time i was scared to feed you "real" food because you would always choke, but i think i was giving you too big of bites. anyway, after dinner i take you straight to the bath. sometimes we play, sometimes it's a quick rinse and get out, but i've learned that bath-time is a big part to the routine and you go to sleep better and faster after a warm bath. after p.j.s we might play a little more depending on the time, but 7:30 is time to pick out some books, climb in bed, read, and lights out. it was this part of bed-time that used to stress me out, because i knew i had chores to finish and dishes to clean, not to mention if i still hadnt eaten (or fed Dada) yet; but these past couple months i've cut myself (and you) some slack. you are not going to be my baby forever and i began to realize i needed to cherish our moments together. so some nights you might roll around trying to get tired, asking for more milk, wanting to look out the window at the moon, and we do just that. God forbid a chore on my list goes un-checked; that moment where i cant take it anymore because it's the umpteenth time you've sat up in bed while im trying to get you to sleep, and you lean over and plant a big wet kiss on my mouth, and then crash back down and you're out - that is what makes my job the best in the entire world - that is what i live for - and that is what makes me fall deeper in love with you; it's over-coming the hard, trying moments that make me realize the amazing gift i have. that gift is you, baby. you are the best part of every day, and i know Dada would agree with me.
so here is the sad part, because sometimes sadness is inevitable. i pray daily to God. i pray for lots of different things, i pray because i'm thankful, sad, mad, happy, you name it, i've prayed for/about it...
i brought you into this world because i was selfish and wanted you; and i'm so happy and thankful God entrusted me to be your mother. but i'm not going to lie when i think of all the horrible things that i have subjected you to. this world is a scary, shit-show of a place and there are people crazier than me out there. i am certain that you will hear about these types of people; you will witness their horrific acts. i pray that you never see these things first-hand.
for 9+ months i had "total" control over you. i was the one keeping you safe, and then it was time to bring you into this world. i wept the day i left the hospital because i was scared to take you out into the world, but i did want to share you with all the people i loved, so that made it easier. raising you this past year has been stressful; i have daily anxiety for your safety. i know that it will only increase the more i have to loosen my grip on your independence. one day i will not be able to have authority over you and i will have to let you go, and i know part of me will be happy. happy that i've raised you well enough (hopefully ;)) to let you be on your own, but know that my heart will be weeping, because you will always be my little baby.
i hate writing about this in my letter to you, but i've experienced a life-shaping event. one of mommy's oldest and dearest family friends passed away tragically in a car accident this past weekend. she was not wearing her seat belt and the injuries sustained took her life. she was an amazing person who helped change a lot of peoples' lives through the dogs she trained and her infectious personality. this was one of mommy's best friends' big sisters. she was an organ donor and ended up saving five other people's lives. i've done a lot of crying this past week; i hate having to watch some of my oldest friends go through this tragedy. it's absolutely heart-breaking and i pray our family never has to experience this type of pain. i haven't wanted to cry in front of you. i break down at the most random times. for awhile it seemed like a bad dream. she has already gone to be with God, but tomorrow her family will lay her body to rest. it will be a hard day for a lot of people. i know over time i will begin to feel "normal," but anytime i think of Kaye and Leigh, i lose it because i cannot imagine losing my sister. and anytime i think about how their mom might feel, i literally lose my breath and my heart feels like it might stop. that is a feeling i pray i will never fully understand.
Mamie, i love you more than you will ever know. i promise to always keep you safe and have your best interest at heart. you are the very best thing that has ever happened to Dada and i. i promise to not over-exaggerate over the little things in life, because quite honestly, life is too damn short. i love you sweetheart and have had the best year of my life so far. thank you for making it happen and being a part of it. i love you more than words can describe. i love you so much it hurts! i love being your mom and watching the little, sassy lady you are becoming. i am going to end this with two Bible verses i have seen over the past week that have helped guide me through this difficult time. i love you baby.
Isaiah 41:10 - So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Proverbs 3:5-6 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight
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